Another Day at the Office/Script
is sleeping on the job. Kristen: perky "Wake up Nikki! Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake AHHK!" has grabbed Kristen's neck and is threatening strangulation. Nikki: "This had better be good." Kristen: "It is! We want you to pose for us!" releases her captive. Nikki: "Pose for what?" Kirsten: "Mall Monthly magazine is doing a fashion expose, and we really think you'd be perfect to represent the Khaki Barn page with us!" Kristen: "It was Chrissy's idea! You'll be so perfect for the piece!" Kirsten: "Ppppllleeeaaassee? We need you, Nikki!" Nikki: "Okay, sure. Why not." The Clones: "EEEEE!!!" Chrissy: "Oh, awesome! Say cheesy!" Nikki: a smile "Oh, I do. Every day." takes the picture. Chrissy: "Okay now you guys, give me a big Khaki Barn smile! One, two, three!" The Clones: "Khaki!" Nikki: "So, the clones are gonna be featured in this article too?" Kirsten: "Duh. We're the afters?" Nikki: "Okay, I'll bite. The after whats?" Kristen: "You're the before shot, you know, the fashion trainwreck, the what not to wear–" Kirsten: "The ugly girl!" Chrissy: "Kirsten! That was way harsh! It's the stylistically challenged." Kirsten: "Oh yeah." Kristen: "And we're the afters! We represent what even someone like you could aspire to be if you shop at the Khaki Barn! We are going to look so fetch compared to you! Thanks, Nikki!" Clones run off tittering happily. Nikki: clenched teeth "Going to my happy place, going to my happy place–" grabs a hanger and snaps it in half. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Another Day at the Office' ---- ''takes hold of a split end. Caitlin: "My new conditioner sucks!" Caitlin is working, her friends are seated at a nearby table. Nikki is scarfing down fries. Jude: "Okay. You're stressing me out a little with those fries, man." Nikki: "I can't take it anymore. I'm quitting. I really mean it this time." Wyatt: "Clones bugging you again?" Nikki: "It's like they were put on this earth specifically to annoy me!" Wyatt's newspaper "Okay. Want ads. Ugh!" Caitlin: "What?" Nikki: "There are only two jobs available at the mall right now. And one of them is assistant security guard!" Jonesy: "Again?!? Man, that rent-a-cop goes through assistants like water!" Caitlin: "I've never had such heinous split ends before." Nikki: "Hey! Can we please focus for a second, guys? I'm serious! I need a new job!" Caitlin: "Okay!" Wyatt: "Okay, so where's the other job opening?" glances over to Wonder Taco, where Julie and Darth are necking. She shakes her head. Nikki: "There has to be something else! I may need the budget mall." Caitlin: "Oh no. You can't go there! That would be social suicide." turns a page and comes upon the Khaki Barn ad. She looks even worse than she thought. Jonesy: laughing "Oh man! You're the before!" Nikki: "Yeah, I got that." crumples up the paper. Caitlin: "The circulation of that magazine is like, five hundred! I'm so mortified for you!" Nikki: "That's it. You know what? I'm not quitting. I'm gonna stick around and make their lives miserable instead." Jonesy: "Now you're talking! Go get 'em, tiger! Before it's too late!" slaps him. "Umph!" leaves. "Oh man, I wouldn't want to be a clone today." Jen: "Guess what? My mom said I can go on the ski trip to Whistler if I come up with half the money." Jonesy: "Sweet! How are you gonna pull that off?" Jen: "Coach Halder just promised me five extra shifts." chanting "I'm going to Whistler! I'm going to Whistler!" normally "Oh yeah Jonesy, you still owe me ten bucks." Jonesy: "Fine." pulls out his wallet, which is stuffed to the brim with bills and coins. Wyatt: "Whoa, man! What's the deal with the giant massive wallet?" Jude: "You must be rich!" Jonesy: "Not really. I just got my last paycheck at the banana stand. And before you say it, yes, I got fired. But I would've quit anyway! Did you see the outfit I had to wear?" remembers the outfit. It was a giant banana suit. Everyone laughed at him while he was wearing it. Jonesy: "Not good for the old social life, I can tell you that!" Jen: "Why don't you put your money in the bank?" Jonesy: "Schyeah right! Who has a bank account at our age?" one of his friends puts their hand up. Caitlin: "I have four." Jen: "Wait a second. How do you write checks? Pay for things at stores? Track your money online?" Jonesy: "You can do all that with an account?" Jen: "Duh!" ---- is a long line at the bank. Jonesy is at the rear. Jonesy: to a girl "Yeah. Getting a bank account today." Glutes Girl: unimpressed "Wow." ticks by and the line barely moves. Jonesy notices an empty desk. Jonesy: the man behind him "Yo buddy, hold my place?" moves towards the desk. Penalty Box Customer: "Ah–" takes a seat at the desk and relaxes. He notices the calendar. Jonesy: "Hey! Looks like this dude's on holiday. Nice." moves on, and eventually Jonesy finds himself having a dinosaur war with two staplers. Jonesy: "Rowr rawr rawr rowr rowr rahr rawr rawr rowh–" Blonde-Haired Girl: "Hi. I'd like to apply for a loan?" Jonesy: "Uh, I don't really–" Blonde-Haired Girl: "Wow. You must be like the youngest assistant manager ever." Jonesy: "Well, I–" woman bats her eyelashes. "Thanks. Why, I've got a loan application right here." woman takes the clipboard and fills it out. She hands it back to Jonesy. Jonesy: "Wow. That's a lot of money. Uh, I guess I should ask you some questions. Um, what do you have for colateral?" Blonde-Haired Girl: "Co-whatteral?" Jonesy: "I dunno. It just says I should ask. Check! Do you know anything about running a store?" Blonde-Haired Girl: "No. But I shop a lot. I want to open a lingerie store." Jonesy: "Fair enough! What the heck! The bank's got a ton of money!" the loan "Approved." Blonde-Haired Girl: "WOOOHOOO YAY THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!" woman hugs Jonesy and runs out of the store. Jonesy leans back in his chair happily. Jonesy: "I'm a good person." Rebecca: "You must be Mr. Loansbury!" chokes. Jonesy: "Who?" Rebecca: "Ed Loansbury from Head Office. We've been expecting you." Jonesy: his voice "Ahem. Uhm, yes. That's right. I'm Ed Loansbury, from Head Office." Rebecca: "Anything you need while you're observing our branch, just ask." Jonesy: deep-voiced "Will do, chief." boss leaves. Jonesy laughs. "No way!" ---- is sitting around with his friends. Only Nikki is absent. Jonesy: "I gave out two loans and four credit cards. Man, working for a bank is so much better than the banana stand!" Jen: "You can't do that, Jonesy! It's misrepresentation! That is not your money to give away." Caitlin: "Jen's right! But since you're giving it out anyway, can I just borrow–" Wyatt, Jude, Jen, and Jonesy: "No!" Caitlin: offended "Okay! Just asking." Coach Halder: up to them "Masterson! Dobbs wants some extra shifts. And since I like Dobbs better than you, I'm giving them to him!" laughs. "Sorry." Jen: "What? But I needed those shifts to make enough for my ski trip!" Coach Halder: "Ah, that's the way the ball bounces, Masterson. The puck drops. Uh, the uh..." clears his thoat. "I'm gonna go get a taco." Halder leaves, and Jen drops her head. Jen: "Now where am I gonna get the money?" Jonesy: "The bank of Jonesy is open! I'll give you a loan if you, say, do a couple loads of my laundry?" Jen: "No. I'm gonna do this on my own. Legally." Wyatt: "You're not going back to the bank, are you?" Jonesy: "Heck yes I am! The manager is totally sucking up to me, I'm sitting at a sweet desk, and Darth offered to do all my calculus homework for a week if I'd loan him money for a new speeder or something." is seen by Wonder Taco, wearing a replica of a spacesuit around his waist. Julie is enthralled by this. Jonesy: "Ha ha! This job rocks!" Wyatt: "But you don't actually have a job." Jonesy: "And that's the beauty part." Jen: "You are a sad, sad little man." Jonesy: "Okay, girl with no money. Hey, where's Nikki?" Wyatt: "Probably torturing the Clones." ---- is walking past the Khaki Barn when he stops. A crowd has gathered outside to look at the window display. Kristen and Kirsten are inside the display, dressed in pink spandex bodysuits and wearing cowboy hats. They are also posed awkwardly. Kirsten: "Has Head Office ever made sales associates do this before?" Kristen: "I don't think so." Nikki is tossing clothes about haphazardly. Jonesy walks up to her with a suit jacket. Jonesy: "I need to borrow this. Yikes!" has just spotted a banner with Nikki's horrid photo on it. Jonesy: "Man that is a bad picture! Speaking of utter humiliation, that your handiwork in the window?" Nikki: "Head Office sent a very strict posing schedule this morning. Still a big crowd out there?" Jonesy: "Oh yeah! And the cowboy hats? Nice touch." Nikki: "Oh, I'm just warming up." sinisterly "I'm about to unleash my revenge on these clones." Kirsten: begging "Nikki! Can we come back in? My butt's getting numb, and Kristen has to pee!" Nikki: "Sorry, yeah, they said you have to be in the window for three hours? And try not to move so much, you're supposed to be living mannequins, remember?" Kirsten: broken "Okay." Nikki: "Where is their work ethic?" Jonesy: "So hard to find good help." Nikki: "Hey, you wanna help me out? I need you to go outside and make a phone call for me." ---- short while later, Nikki is lazing against the counter when Chrissy runs up. Chrissy: excited "Oh. My. Tube top! Guess who just scored an interview for the manager position at Albatross & Finch? Me!" and Kirsten get up and run over to congratulate their boss. Kirsten: "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" The Clones: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Nikki: "Wow, that's so great, Chrissy! So? When's the interview?" Chrissy: "Tomorrow afternoon! In a super-secret spot! I have to go prepare." heads for the back room. Kristen: "That means I'll be manager of the Khaki Barn! Yay!" Kirsten: "Um, not with that tan line you won't." Kristen: "Excuse me?" Kirsten: "You're totally uneven. It had to be said." Kristen: "I went faking baking yesterday?" Kirsten: "Well you obviously didn't finish baking? Maybe you should go back and turn it up!" Kristen: "Oh yeah? Well your complexion is totally unglowy, and your breath smells like a hot dog." Kirsten: "AAH!" dives at Kristen, and the two begin to fight. Kristen: "Let go of my hair!" Kirsten: "Get off me!" Nikki: "Ah, this is so much more fun than working at the taco stand." ---- scans a loan application and approves it. Jonesy: "That'll be fifty protein bars. Pleasure doing business with you. Next!" walks up. "Julie. How can I help you?" Julie: "Darth and I want glamour shots taken for our anniversary." Jonesy: "I'll sign this on one condition: you hook me up with free tacos for a month." nods. "Sweet!" approves the loan. "Next!" and Christo hand Jonesy their application. Jonesy: "Hmm. Didn't you two reject my job application for Taj Mahome Video?" Blade: "Um–" Jonesy: the loan apart "De-nied! Next!" walks up. "One new amp, approved!" Wyatt: "Thanks. They aren't actually paying you, are they?" Jonesy: "No. So what? This job rules! Spot me ten bucks for lunch?" his voice "I'm off for lunch, Peterson! Have those reports on my desk when I get back. Don't let me down, Peterson!" Alfonso: "I won't, sir." Wyatt: he and Jonesy leave "What reports?" Jonesy: laughing "I dunno! I'm sure they owe me some kind of report. They'll figure it out." Wyatt: "How exactly are you getting away with this?" Jonesy: "They think I'm some dude from Head Office. It's awesome. C'mon!" and Wyatt leave. ---- is trying to pawn her used gear. Jen: "C'mon, twenty dollars for barely used skis!" pushed out of Underground Video by Wayne "How about a tennis racket? The strings are broken, but the frame is still good! You'll never see a deal like this again!" shuts the store on her. "Oh..." loudly "Used sports equipment for sale! Really good prices! Ski goggles, anyone? A used airhorn?" toots it. Nobody comes, and she sighs. Jude skates up to her grocery cart. Jude: "Check out the sick new ride, courtesy of Jonesy!" Jen: "Jude! You got a bank loan for a skateboard?" Jude: "That's not all! I also scored a new hat, and a wicked flat-screen TV, with built in DVD player, for the inside of my backpack!" Jen: "This is so not a good idea! You don't need a DVD player in your backpack!" Jude: "That's what I thought at first, but it's surprisingly convenient. Now my living room is wherever I am." starts up his DVD player and skates off while watching a movie. Jen: irritated "Jonesy." ---- is drinking a soda and sitting around with Nikki and Wyatt when he sees Jen pushing around her grocery cart. Jonesy: "Nice Grocery Cart O' Crap, Jen." Jen: "At least I'm getting my money honestly." Jonesy: "Just say the word, and all this could be yours. Eight thousand vertical feet of fresh powder. Two world-class mountains in one resort!" Jen: off the image "I am not going into debt for a snowboarding trip! Anyone want a single ski pole?" Jonesy: "Yeah. Good luck with that." looks at him angrily. Jonesy turns to Nikki. "How's Project Revenge On Chrissy going?" Nikki: "Oh, she should be reaching her interview right about now." ---- interview is stationed at the mall's security center. She checks the address again. Chrissy: "That's weird." opens the door on Ron clipping his toenails. "Uh, hi. Whoop!" toenail flies past her. "I'm, uh, here for the interview?" looks at her suspiciously. "For the job?" Ron: "Hmm." confrontational "What makes you better than any other teenage maggot?" Chrissy: "Well I'm great at promoting uniformity through fashion." shoulders slump. "And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I rock the display table." Ron: "Have you ever detained a felon?" Chrissy: "Nooo...but I did have to unentangle this girl's extensions from the hook in the change rooms once, and I didn't break a single hair." raises an eyebrow at this. Soon enough, though, it comes down, and he looks beleaguered. Ron: "Well. Since there are no other applicants, the job's yours." Chrissy: "No way! EEEEE!" holds a security uniform out to her. "What's this? A...uniform?" setting in "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" runs out of the office as fast as she can. Ron: "Absolutely no respect for the uniform." ---- has just told her friends what she did to Chrissy. Caitlin: laughing "You sent her to the rent-a-cop's office? That is so funny!" Nikki: "Thanks. I feel much better. But not better enough." Girl with Glasses: "Oh my gosh. You're the before girl!" girl points at the mall's jumboscreen, on which Nikki's face is framed. Girl with Glasses: "Wow. You could totally use a makeover." walks away. Darth passes by in his speeder. Nikki: "Hey Yoda! Do you have access to the high school phone directory?" Darth: "Yeah, why?" Nikki: "Because the Khaki Barn is about to have another 90% off sale." Darth: "And what do I get in return?" Nikki: up "Well, think of it as taking a chunk out of the evil Khaki empire that has defined your innate uncoolness." Darth: "Wise is your logic. Prepare for Darthination." moves off. "Bweeeeebooooweeeeeeebweeeeee..." Caitlin: chuckling "You know everyone in school is going to go there." Jonesy: "That's my girl!" ---- is checking the time on her cell phone. Chrissy walks into the Khaki Barn, head down. Nikki: "So, how'd the big interview go?" Chrissy: grumpy "I don't. Want. To talk about it." Nikki: "Ooh, snappish. That well, huh?" Kristen: aggravated "WHO KEEPS UNFOLDING MY SWEATERS?!?!?!?!?!?" Nikki: cheerful "I. Don't. Know. Must be 'Unruly Shopper Day'." Chrissy: annoyed "Why do you keep looking at the time?" Nikki: towards the exit "Oh, because my break is about to begin in five, four, three, two, one, seeya." soon as Nikki says goodbye, a crowd of screaming teenage girls swarms into the store. ---- is leaning back in his desk. He takes a sip of his coffee and instantly spits it out. Jonesy: "Alfonso! I said I wanted an extra-hot latte, not a kind-of hot one. Need I remind you that I'm from Corporate?" quickly takes the coffee away so he can replace it. "Good. Now, let's approve some more loans. Who's next?" ---- walks into the Khaki Barn, which is totally trashed from the unruly customers. Nikki: "Hello?" Clones pop up from behind the counter, shaking and clutching each other for support. Nikki: yawning "How's it going?" Kirsten: shellshocked "Sale. Big. Sale." Nikki: "Oh really?" ---- is still hocking her merchandise. Jen: two coasters "Look, they come in team colors! Blue for the Leafs, Red for the Raps, only one dollar each! I made them myself." customer walks away, and she sighs. Coach Halder walks up to her. Coach Halder: "Hey! Got a little cottage industry going there, Masterson? Hmm?" Jen: "But Coach, this is so unfair! I need the money!" Coach Halder: "You know the rules." ---- growls. She's stuck in the penalty box once again. Nikki is still torturing the Clones at her workplace. Nikki: "So, what happened to your dream job?" Chrissy: "I don't understand it. I thought Albatross & Finch wanted me." Nikki: "Oh wait. You mean you didn't get the message?" Chrissy: "What message?" Nikki: "One of those Greeter Gods dropped it off an hour ago." hands Chrissy a package. Chrissy: the note on top "Congratulations, you passed the first test? No Albatross & Finch employee would ever wear a brown uniform! Put this outfit on and report directly to the store for the second part of your interview! EEEEEEEE!!!" Nikki: cagily "Go get 'em, girl!" ---- has taken out a loan, and the effects of mass consumerism are all around. Jen: "Are you seeing this? It's a spending epidemic, and it's all Jonesy's fault! And what the heck is this?!?!?" is pushing a brand new sofa up to the table. Jude: "Thought I'd make our table a little more comfortable." gapes and thunks her head on the table. Jude sinks into the couch. "Ahhhh...yeah." starts watching a movie in his backpack. Wyatt: "Nice! Can that be plugged into my amp?" Jude: "Can a fish blow bubbles out his butt? Hook it up, bra." picks up his amp to plug it in. Jen: "Jude, did Jonesy happen to mention how this loan will affect your credit rating?" Jude: "Isn't credit a good thing?" Jen: "Yeah. As long as you pay it back quickly!" worried "He did tell you you had to pay it back, right?" Jude: "It's all under control. I'm gonna pay the bank back five bucks a month." Jen: "At that rate, you'll be twenty-eight by the time you're in the clear!" Jude: "Sweet." continues the movie, which now has an awesome sound system. Jen: "Ugh! Jonesy!" ---- Greeter Gods are chilling at work when they gape. A gigantic albatross is walking towards them. Chrissy: "Hi guys! I'm here for the job!" don't respond. "The costume was a perfect fit! Is it some kind of ritual you do to new employees?" reply. Chrissy dances like an albatross. "Bukawk buck buck bawk!" Blonde Greeter God: confused "Uh, is this a joke?" looks around and sees that the customers are all laughing at her. She suddenly realizes what happened. Chrissy: "NIKKKKKIIIIIIIIII!!!" ---- parks her cart by an ATM. Jen: "I give up. If everyone else is getting a loan from Jonesy, why shouldn't I go to Whistler too?" Jen walks towards the bank, Jonesy is approving loans for everyone. Jonesy: Stone "Approved!" leaves, and Jude walks up with a humongous soda. "Buy that with the loan?" Jude: "You know it, dude." bank manager walks through the bank and over to Jonesy's station. Jonesy: a deep voice "Do you need something? You know my office is always open, Rebecca." Rebecca: "Since you started, our loans have increased by eight hundred and seventy percent." Jonesy: normally "So?" Rebecca: "Why are we giving loans to teens, Mr. Loansbury?" Jude: "Why?" puts his soda down. Pomp and Circumstance begins to play. "I'll tell you why. Because teenagers are people too, dude. And we should have the right to borrow money so that we can buy sick stuff that we don't really need! Just like adults." Jen: in "What's going on?" Ax: "Ssh!" Jude: "Should you give money out to teens? Yes!" goths cheer. "Will you get it back? Probably not, at least not until we're twenty-eight. We work, but they give us crappy jobs and we're too old for an allowance! Dudes, and dudettes of the bank, loan. Us. Your money!" crowd cheers Jude's speech. Jonesy: "Go, dude, go!" Ed Loansbury: "What is going on in my bank?" cheering instantly stops. Jonesy: "Who are you?" Ed Loansbury: "I'm Ed Loansbury from Corporate." looks at Jonesy angrily. Jonesy: "If you're Mr. Loansbury, then...I better be going." hits him with a clipboard. Ed Loansbury: "Was this kid impersonating me?" Jonesy: "I resent the term 'kid'." Ed Loansbury: angry "You! Are fired!" Jonesy: "But I don't even work here!" Jen: "I think it's time to get going?" Jude, and Jonesy scram, leaving behind Jen's grocery cart. ---- Nikki, Jen, and Jonesy are laughing. Caitlin: "So–this time you got fired from a job you didn't even have?" Jonesy: "I'm good at what I do." Jen: "Not good enough to give me a loan! I was this close to going to Whistler!" Jonesy: "Don't sweat it. The bank revoked the loans I gave out. Everyone has twenty-four hours to give back their purchases." ---- the bank, there is a long line of teens. These teens are not happy. At the end are Wyatt and Jude, sitting on their couch with Jude's upgraded backpack. Jude: "I am so bummed." Wyatt: sighing "Wanna watch Blackhawk Revenge one more time while we wait?" Jude: "Dude, you read my mind." ---- face is still on the jumboscreen. Jen: "You're handling all of this really well." Nikki: "No worries. I've moved on." has moved on by dressing Kristen and Kirsten in the embarrassing banana suits that were Jonesy's job uniform. Kristen: broken "Go...bananas at the–Khaki Barn–spring sale." Kirsten: "Ape-mazing new styles...to choose from?" Darth: by in his speeder "Losers!" Category:Season 3